I had a meeting with someone today and there was a lot of analyzing of my behaviour and actions regarding a personal issue sometime ago. This entry isn't about that situation specifically, but on how I was both humbled and embarrassed by the things that had occurred. On one hand during this issue, there's retrospect and being able to see things for what they are a year later. On the other hand, however, there's also sober analysis and a deeper understanding of many complex layers regarding who I was (hence the embarrassment).
The major message I received during this meeting was that my behaviour had been inconsistent and my feelings fragmented. While I had known this on a superficial level, there had been a lot of resistance over the year of admitting to this, but I honestly believe that this meeting helped me to really see it in such a way that I could not ignore it nor resist it. Sometimes talking to others in a very neutral way (especially those who have no choice but to be neutral with us) helps us see our behaviour in a clearer light than when we speak with those who may be partial and biased with us.
All I could think was that I was being so stupid. Now I had gotten myself in this mess. But more than that- how many other times have I acted and behaved inconsistently? How much of that can be attested to my mental illness (one that people can recover from) and how much of that is my personal responsibility, and acted out with clarity? I think that's where the confusion lies and where the lines blur. Especially when you have a personality disorder, especially when you don't know exactly who you are and what you stand for.
Then I thought back to other times I had seemed inconsistent with my behaviour, actions and thoughts. In the past year, I had a falling out with a friend and it was a bad falling out. Like, it was messy and just not good all around. While I do believe we both made mistakes during that time, on my part, I certainly could have handled what happened better. I could have been more open and vulnerable with my communication, I could have approached the issue in a better way that was more respectful and honest. Instead, I took the path of least resistance and the one that was easier for my ego to grapple onto. Why? Well, in this specific case, I was just tired. I was tired of trying, for lack of a better word. I had tried cultivating traits within myself that allowed people to feel safe around me, tried to cultivate compassion for others, tried to create space for others. And while that was good and genuine after a while (because like all things, growing up in an environment that didn't always provide this for me, it was something I had to teach myself), when things around me started to fall apart, it became harder and harder to stay mentally healthy and positive. I had terrible coping skills, I didn't know that I had a mental illness, and from then on, it became very hard to make space for others. I had to make space for myself.
And something interesting happened. While I needed myself and my own strength, I became softer and protective of myself, but hard on the outside. I finally had time to rest and relax and heal myself, but I started to mistrust and hate the world. I didn't want to be hurt again and being vulnerable felt like it had landed me in situations that had hurt me. Or maybe those were the interactions I tended to remember more, rather than the times vulnerability had brought me closer to people.
This was also something that has been occurring not only in my last relationship but also with family members. It's hard to feel like you can't or shouldn't act in a certain way because it feels justified. But then when does that justification turn into victimhood? That's something I think I need to explore. When it comes to anger, especially those with a trauma background, it's such a powerful force that it can be hard to control. Fire is good for many things but also destructive to many things.
Anyways, over the past year or two, I have been slowly becoming more and more reliant on myself which I'm proud of. But, like I mentioned above, the opposite has also occurred- I have begun to shun and hate the outside world. And I believe this is why these inconsistent behavioural patterns have been emerging. I oscillate between treating others nicely and then carelessly. This happens mostly in intimate relationships and close friendships (as noted above). So which one is correct? Which feeling is the "truth" of how I'm feeling? I think it's hard to determine, especially with something like Borderline Personality. This is because the disorder itself is characteristic of uneven and inconsistent emotions. This is a personality disorder of relationships at its core. I can't speak for other people, but when I'm with myself, I feel pretty consistent. I know what I want and I know what I'm going through. But when another person enters the picture, it gets really confusing real fast for me, emotionally. Then there's the logic side of things too- sometimes I know something logically but not emotionally. And that can be a tough one to sift through.
So, going back to my meeting today- It was interesting for me to have someone give me a broad overview of my actions over the past year in relation to someone else. It was something that I was having a tough time doing with myself because all these feelings and thoughts are all jumbled up together inside me. So now that I've been brought to clarity, I'm feeling confused on what my next step should be and relieved because now I have a better idea of what's been happening. This inconsistency is not sustainable, nor is it healthy for building long-lasting relationships. I think this is also something that needs to be unraveled in the context of my mental illness.
