I wanted to write a follow-up to yesterday's entry. I've been thinking a lot about these mixed feelings, mixed messages and inconsistent emotional states that I've been experiencing for a while now. It's affected a lot of relationships in my life. Having the opportunity now to reflect on this trait is not something I want to let go of because I feel like this is something important about myself that I've learned and need to figure out.
I'm reminded of ice floats in the open ocean, how there's solid permafrost but when the heat sets in, the ice begins to break up and free float on top of the waves. That's sort of what this seems like to me... and that the antidote to this is having a solid personal code of values and beliefs to follow. Having something concrete that I believe in that I won't waver on. The issue with this is- how do I know what my own personal code is? For me to make something like that, I have to know myself really well and I certainly don't think I do. I'm still trying to figure myself out. More often than out, I feel confused and fragmented, which ends up showing in my relationships. This makes living really difficult sometimes, but I know that this is probably a result of trauma and having BPD as well.
To find out what I believe in, which would help me figure out who I am and what I stand by, I need to think about certain values and whether or not I align myself with those values. But what if I believe in something, but acted contrary to that belief in the past? I could forgive myself and learn from it, yes, but what if I don't? What if my own code feels like too much pressure? What if I don't even believe my own code? I guess that would be a different matter in itself then. Betraying myself and my own personal code of honour. But I suppose I need to be dedicated to a certain code if I'm going to build my identity around it.
There are things that I know I certainly believe in. Or that I knew I believed in. But things have been warped and confusing since, well, I guess that past ten years. There's a lot of undoing and unlearning that needs to happen, things that I picked up from being in the wrong place and with the wrong people. And I know which things need to be changed because oftentimes, I feel like I'm watching myself from within myself, but my logical side just hasn't taken the reigns. The things my wiser side would do doesn't show up. I wonder if that's because I haven't mastered stillness yet. How many of our actions are done in the heat of the moment, when our minds are not still, but troubled and rippling outwards?
And how much of my behaviours, my thoughts, and my actions are remnants of my traumatic experiences? I know that I have done a lot of work in the past ten years, but trauma is also very... elusive. It twists and turns because it wants to stay alive, long after its help has expired.
Perhaps part of learning who we are and what matters to us is defining personal boundaries. Could it be said that learning about oneself starts when we begin to build boundaries? I've been on and off with boundaries in the past few years. I grew up not being taught boundaries which made it easy for people to take advantage of me in many ways. This also meant that I would cross other people's boundaries. As I mentioned in my last post, in the recent past, I've been turning more inward. This has meant that I have been focusing on building boundaries for myself in the past year or so and I think it's been wonderful that I've begun to think about something like that that is essential to my self-preservation and safety. On the other hand, when do boundaries start to become fences, then castle walls? I believe that we do need to be in solitude (not loneliness) when we're overwhelmed by the world. It helps us puts things right and helps us recharge ourselves. This is especially true for introverts. But when you begin to feel bitter about things during the process of healing, *while turned inward*, it's really easy for those boundaries to become walls. Unless I've just been doing it wrong, which is also possible.
I'll try to explain it in more detail here: For example, there are things now that I no longer tolerate when it comes to certain behaviours, like gaslighting. When someone begins to gaslight me, I immediately shut it down. This is a boundary I am happy to have built and stuck with because I've protected myself from being abused. On the other hand, sometimes people- genuine, good people- may be trying to explain something and it might seem similar to gaslighting (maybe they've honestly forgotten something and think something else happened), and that still triggers that boundary for me. In that instance, I'll act like my boundary has just been crossed. And in that case, a good relationship might suddenly find itself mired in tense vibes. So what do you do then? Those are the kinds of things that confuse me, emotionally. How does a "solid", "normal" person react in those situations? Or is it always on a case-by-case basis? But what if you start to notice patterns from one person to the other? As you can see, it's very confusing.
I suppose it comes down to the level of trust you have in the person with which you're in the situation and being sure of where you stand in your values, no matter what. Man, being a human is hard sometimes.
This reminds me of a ring that I wear- it's a self-love ring that I bought from a store on Granville Island. I've been on and off (again) with the idea of making a commitment to myself for a while. I thought I would wear it and see whether some kind of commitment would come to me. I think it is now. Sometimes I would just look at this ring and think "what would the self-love thing be to do right now?" in situations that were difficult. I would pause, and even if I didn't think it entirely through (which I often didn't), I still thought about it somewhat, which I think has also helped lead to this moment. I just need to explore who I am a bit more before making that kind of commitment. At least I have a good reminder for it. I think it would also help with being committed to my boundaries and my values.
This is essentially what I am trying to figure out in my life right now. Not knowing who we are leads to catastrophe, not only for ourselves and our own peace, but for our community and societal harmony. I'm starting to understand that. I'm just scared of falling through with this, which I hope I won't. Let's see how it goes.
I think wanting to be seen as a solid person to other people is everyone's goal or intention. Nobody likes to think of themselves as unstable or flimsy. Sometimes life is just hard and we end up acting in those kinds of ways, but nobody- as far as I know- is really proud of themselves for being that way. Sometimes it's the only identity we have that's concrete and helping us stay on the ground. But at some point, like the point that I'm at right now, this shaky foundation begins to become solid the more I focus on how much it needs to be fixed and the idea of being an unstable, flimsy person is not desired. It can be hard when you are fighting against yourself though, but that is the path we are all on.
