It's been a minute since I wrote here. I've been meaning to- but I get away from myself. I had to get to a place within myself where the outside world melted away, and where it was enough for me. I think I'm at that point right now, because I find myself needing myself more than ever, in some way. I wish to be a part of the seasons now, instead of playing along on eternal screens...
The pandemic has had its ups and downs. Mostly downs. It's been a strange journey and I'm not sure how I will regard this period of the world's history when I grow older. For right now, I can say that it's been stressful. And strange...we are in a strange period of transition.
I have lost myself in a rather egregious way. A lot of things have happened, a lot of decisions made, that have affected me to a deep level and I am still trying to handle these things. New traumas and old wounds. And learning how to live with these things while trying to pursue some sort of justice. Or elsewise, learning to live with it in a way that doesn't poison me.
At the moment though, I just need to get back to myself... the things I've enjoyed doing for a long time that I've neglected, thoughts that need to get out of my mind, spending more time in nature. I have a lot to unpack and sort though and at times, it feels incredibly overwhelming. And of course, being in a new job, a new city, it can be very stressful at times. I need new rituals because my old ones have disappeared and it has been so long. It's like dusting off old jewelry hidden in the attic boxes. Bringing in my own spirituality and sense of being. Being more in tune with nature and learning more about my place in the world.
These things are hard to do when we give so much of ourselves, of our minds, and our energies, to the world and its people. When we don't allow ourselves time to sit, rest, and contemplate life. And I have been neglecting that for a long time now. It is easy to let yourself be distracted, harder to stay disciplined.
And more than that, I have to find reasons to love myself and reasons to find myself to be worthy. Not that that sort of thing has completely disappeared in me, but it's more like it's taken a back seat. It has been easy to coast on by, rather than taking an active stance in my life. Especially with the pandemic, it's been necessary and so easy to want to sit back and not do anything...
Right now, I'm listening to some easy and soft music. There is a basketball game on the TV right in front of me. I don't normally let the TV be on when I write these things, but K was watching it and this is a part of sharing your life with others. I could just get up and move into the room, but I don't want to isolate myself. The hustle and bustle is something I have been missing lately, as much as I enjoy my solitude (I do enjoy my solitude a lot more though).
It is hard to go from a loud life to a quiet life, especially one that is quiet day after day. I am still in a period of adjustment. Listening with loud and open ears to the wind crackling across the windows and pavements each night as rain threatens overhead.
Go easy there, cousin,
There’s a storm a-comin’,
Better quit your runnin’ and back down.
I ain’t lyin’ to you, mister,
Certifiable twister,
Headed straight for the center of this town.
We are gonna lean on each other if we’re gonna turn this situation ‘round.
And all of it was true,
The sunlight shines right through,
You thought you were done with those days but they ain’t done with you.
We’ll get you down off of the ropes, we’ll clean you up, we’ll give you hope,
Check your bruised and battered egos at the door.
All our schemes have been foiled,
Give away what’s left of the spoils,
We can always leave ‘em wantin’ a little more
The wounded birds of all our trust lie in the field covered in rust,
The topsoil has blown into our blood and there’s a divine purpose lying just below the surface,
You’re the one that I’ve been dreaming of.